November 11, 2011

One Eye Open

Posted in Uncategorized at 1:39 am by 24karats

So I have this bad habit of giving people the benefit of the doubt.  I don’t know where I picked up this filthy habit, but I can’t seem to shake it.

I’m generally not a schemer – with people.  Sure I keep my true feelings hidden like the CIA keeps secrets, but I don’t intentionally mislead people.  I may not show all of myself, but what I do show is genuine.  And despite a lifetime of examples to the contrary, I can’t help but to assume the same in others.

Okay, let’s be specific.  Not “others”.  Men.  If they’re trying to holler, I take it as just that – trying to holler.  If a dude is looking for a piece, that’s usually evident by the first or second conversation.  So if  a guy comes at me like he’s trying to “date”, I guess that’s what he’s doing.  Whether he’s looking for a girlfriend, whether he’s just bored, whether he’s trying not to be the only one of his friends who’s single, that all gets figured out along the way, but I do assume he’s trying to date.

I never think he’s “just seeing how far I’ll go” or playing some other mind game.  I don’t have the interest in playing with other people’s emotions – my own emotions are more than enough to occupy me!

But this is why God gives us friends.  Recently, there has been a guy.  I told a close friend about my infatuation, so she dubbed him Mr. Wonderful (sarcastically of course).  Mr. Wonderful isn’t new, he’s come and gone a few times before.  Like literally – appeared in my life, then after a few weeks/months disappeared.  So he’s back.  This time seems a little different.  Little things, but things I’ve noticed.  He’s more forthcoming. We talk more often, we go out more often., he’s more open about what’s going on.  Things like that.

But still, I wonder if I’m being a dumbass.   I mean, he’s not new – am I setting myself up for failure?  Again?  Does take it slow mean just that it, or is it some guy code that I don’t know how to translate?  I wonder about these things.  No, I don’t wonder, I worry.  Because I’m not real interested in playing the fool.  Not even for Mr. Wonderful.

I ran my concerns by a good friend, and her suspicions were raised.  She saw danger at every turn, and at the end concluded with “trust your intuition” (more on that later, but suffice it to say even when I think I know what my intuition is saying, it’s often wrong, so this was completely unhelpful advice).  When I hung up, I felt exhausted. She did nothing more than mirror my own concerns back to me, but negated the “positives” I noted, so her point of view was essentially: Beware of Dog; Enter At Your Own Risk.

She’s probably right.  I should probably cut and run.  But it’s just so tiring to live that way.