January 17, 2012

Cancel My Subscription, I’m Over Your Issues

Posted in Uncategorized at 11:47 am by 24karats

So in the spirit of New Years, I, like everyone else, am still trying to pretend that this is the year that I will start making real changes.  Like, becoming an adult and shit.  I’m  losing weight, I’m cleaning up, I’m paying bills, I’m getting a new job.  All that shit.  I’m gonna be f-ing responsible! No more wine for dinner for the kid! I fully expect it to go something like this, but I’m still going to try.

And in that, there are a few people I have to get rid of. Not specifically, per se, but sometimes I find myself being in the same half-circle with people I just. can’t. fuck. with.

Everybody has issues. Not necessarily serious ones, but issues nonetheless. Maybe you got teased in high school. Maybe your girlfriend dumped you out the blue – on your birthday. Maybe your mom prefers your sister to you. Maybe you were the fat kid in school. Ionknow. And I don’t really care. The point is, we have all stared into the face of an asshole, and that shit has left us scarred, or at least changed. That’s all good. And to some degree you probably over-corrected. Join the club. For my friends, I will always support them in facing/hiding from their fears. You wanna talk it out, cool. You want to work on your poker face, cool. You wanna change the subject, cool. I get it. But I just need one thing from you. I need you to know that you have issues. You don’t have to address them. You don’t have to admit to the world what they are. But all that “I’m perfect how I am so I will continue to be a slut/asshole/bitch…..” nah son. Not so much. So here are a few of the people that I will be emotionally dieting from in the 2012.

The Everyone Loves Me and Let Me Tell You Why Type. Good for you that you have a high self esteem. Good for you that you recognize that you are special. But must I hear about it all the time? Have you never had an interest or experience in your life that did not revolve around how fabulous you are, and how everyone either wants to be you, wants to be with you, or is jealous that they can’t? Newsflash: Not everyone loves Jesus. Not everyone loves Obama. Not everyone loves Mother Teresa. Are you any of those people? No? Well then not everyone loves you either. Not because they’re jealous or insecure, but just because they have other interests other than you – and you apparently do not.

The Rude [Girl][Boy]. This one tends to play out differently between men and women, but the point remains the same. Somewhere along the line they thought it was cute/hot/sexy to be mean to people. To wow people with their ability to crush feelings. And inevitably they attract a gaggle of wide-eyed morons who think insulting the waiter is hilarious, thus feeding the vicious cycle that you acting like an extra in Mean Girls is cool. If that ain’t some 7th grade behavior I don’t know what is. And I say this as a certified asshole. Children say whatever comes to mind in an effort to impress people. Adults know the difference between appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Me and childhood parted ways many moons ago. Holla at me when you do the same.

The Party Animal. “Yo, so what are we drinking tonight?” “Ummm, since it’s Tuesday – how about water?” Don’t get me wrong, far be it from me to deny someone a glass or three of wine after a particularly troublesome day. You leave work with a particularly fuck it attitude and want to go get margaritas, I’ll probably meet you there. But when you start acting like there’s nothing wrong with sitting in the house watching Friends reruns and playing brickbreaker on your phone for hours – me and you gotta part ways. AA is filled with people who haven’t figured out how to fill the hole in their souls with alcohol. What makes you think you’ll be the first? And what makes you think I’m lame for knowing better? You enjoy that DUI. I’m taking a nap.

The I’m Smarter Than You Type. (Also known as the I Already Know Everything Type) Here’s the main problem – no you’re not. You might be in my general range of intelligence level (although most people that act like this usually aren’t). You might be have tested better than me in Reading Comprehension on the SATs. You might be smarter than average. But you’re not patently smarter than me. Why? Statistics. I’m a smart mofo. Like on some 1% type shit. Don’t get me wrong – if me, Hillary Clinton and Tim Geithner are sitting at a table, I’m clear which one of us is going to be giving the blank stare and which of us will be engrossed in a conversation about the European debt crisis. But aside from that, chances are I can hold my own with you. Actually, I can probably hold yours too. And more importantly, I’m not impressed. I already know doctors and lawyers and investment bankers and PhDs. You’re not the first. You’re not even the first today. And even more than that, why are you trying to impress me by assuming that I can’t grasp the shit you’re talking about? Because now you think I’m stupid AND insecure? Have a seat.

Maybe I’m the problem that I can’t just suck my teeth and deal with these folk. But I can’t. Or, rather, I won’t. I could meditate and pray and soul search to figure out why. Or I can chuck deuces. So if you find yourself on this list, I guess you can cancel your subscription to my issues too.

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