December 31, 2011

The I Hate New Years Post

Posted in Uncategorized at 8:39 pm by 24karats

***** REVISED *****

In case you haven’t gathered from the title (in which case go directly to a GED class, do not pass go, do not collect $200), I hate New Years.  Lord knows I’m introspective as all fuck, but there’s something about every media outlet and every conversation I have asking me to think about my life that is just. too. much.

That being said, since statistically I was going to reflect anyway, i share with you a few highlights and lowlights from 2011, and what we can expect from me in 2012.

1. I saw Randy Moss play!!!!!! Those who know me personally know that there are few people that I love more than Randy Moss.  In case you’re wondering why he hasn’t married his long time girlfriend, it’s because in his heart he knows we belong together.  Most people laugh at this, because they don’t see the dream.  He just needs a shave and a haircut, but them right there’s some good genes!!!  And on January 2, 2011 I saw him suit up for the last time in a Tennessee Titans uniform to play the Indianapolis Colts (remember them?).   I sat in Lucas Oil stadium in a sea of blue and white jerseys (in the season ticket holder section no less) and squealed with pure giddiness when I saw my long lean dream.  And then. he caught. the ball.  He caught a ball while he was falling and managed not only to hold on to it but to land with both feet in bounds.   Suffice it to say I embarrassed the shit out of my girl when i practically had a crying fit having witnessed magic in action!  :-)  Like for real, seeing Randy Moss was some bucket-list type shit for me.
2. My birthday fucking rocked! I have a holiday birthday – July 4th weekend to be exact.  Which means every year everybody and they mama has a party, bbq or vacation to take, and may or may not remember that I was born.  It sucks ass.  But this year was awesome! I hung out, my friends actually came out to kick it with me.  Not everybody, but enough.  I really felt loved.
3. I got my heartbroken. Twice.  This year there were two men that broke my heart.  I’m not one for being open.  Ever.  But I tried to grow.  And to learn.  I shared my feelings, I shared my fears – which ultimately came true in the end.  I’m not going to lie – it was mad ugly.  I question questioned myself incessantly.  I cried.  I moped.  I survived.
4. I left my job.  Or my job left me.  It’s hard to tell which came first.  But it ended, and I loved it.  Because I was free.  A lot of times when people say that “God has taken you out of that situation” it’s usually a platitude because they don’t know what else to say when you’re crying on the bathroom floor (see #3).  But this time, it was a blessing.  It’s hard to explain to someone that’s never been there how truly miserable it is to be a corporate lawyer.  At the risk of melodrama, it was sucking the life out of me.  Truly.  My life was becoming purposeless.  I felt like nothing I would ever do would save me from the misery that I was experiencing.  It was like I only existed to be a piece in someone else’s machine – and a malfunctioning piece at that.  To spend 60 hours a week doing something you hate that you’re not even good at, there aren’t words to explain it.  I don’t know what I’m going to do now.  And Sallie Mae would like me to figure it out soon.  And no, I haven’t figured out what my life means.  But I know what it doesn’t.
5. I. SAW. MARSHALL. MATHERS!!!!!!!  Holy shit.  I saw MF-ING Eminem.  I never understood all them weak bitches on concert videos who be crying because they’re at a concert until in my 33rd year I stood in a crowd of thousands of people in a collective mass body heat of at least 102 degrees about 15 rows deep from Mr. Mathers.  I’ve seen my favorite singer (Mary J. Blige) and rapper (Jay-Z) each 3 times.  But there is something about Marshall.  You can say what you want about whether he’d get the same respect if he weren’t white, if Dre hadn’t put him on, if whatever.  But at the end of the day he faces his demons and shares his battles with the world.  Meanwhile the rest of us are running from ours and pretending we don’t have any.  And to watch that magic happen in person….To have him admit to all his fears and to open up in person, to be taken with him on his road hell and back, to see in person the hand that wrote The Way I Am and Stan and Love the Way You Lie, to come face to face with the only man in history who has ever even arguably out-rapped Jay Z – on his own shit! – yeah a bitch almost cried.  I still giggle with joy just thinking about it!
   
6. I learned what friendship means.  Sometimes I think I’m regressing.  I never failed at a job before, but here I am.  And I’ve never had difficulty making or maintaining friendships, yet again, here I am.  I don’t know if she betrayed me or not.  But the situation just feels wrong.  I really don’t believe in coincidences, and her being right in the middle when shit fell apart makes me feel a certain kind of way.  On the flip side, I worry that another person might feel the same way about me.  I know I didn’t do anything wrong in that case, but I could truly understand if she felt like I did.  Navigating other people’s feelings/emotions is undoubtedly complicated, and I still have “fights” with my real friends.  But with them, I never doubt for a second where I stand with them.  There’s something to be said for that.

All in all, it’s been one.  I could reflect on whether it’s been more good or bad, but in a lot of ways that’s irrelevant.  It wasn’t easy, but I can truly say that I’ve grown as a person.  Or, at least, reached the point where I’m finally emotionally able to grow.  I don’t know what’s going to happen in 2012.  But I know that I’ll be ready for it.  And that’s enough.

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