December 27, 2011

The Writer’s Block Post

Posted in Uncategorized at 9:57 pm by 24karats

Today is a good day for blogging.  It’s cold.  There’s not much to do. And I have been through one of those things that no matter how much you talk about it you can’t seem to stop feeling about  it.  So I thought “when I get home, I’ll curl up with my laptop and get this all out.”

And yet, I’ve been sitting here, writing what amounts to melodramatic one-liners in bad poetry.

So I guess today’s post is about why I can’t write.

I can’t write because I feel exhausted.  I’ve taken huge leaps of faith at every turn this year (See the forthcoming Why I Hate New Years post).  And at every turn I’ve been blindsided, betrayed and/or extremely disappointed.

I can’t write because I’m fighting an uphill battle, but I’m a lover, not a fighter.

I can’t write because the sick feeling I have of being deceived overpowers my ability to try to ignore said feeling.

I can’t write because in spite of the facts, I still wish things could have been different between us.    And because in spite of myself, I can’t stop wondering if I did something wrong.

I can’t write because the disappointment is one more tiny crack in my soul that I will have to mend with inadequate tools.

I can’t write because I don’t know which of us I’m more angry at for allowing this to happen.

I can’t write because I’ve said everything that I could say, and yet I still have so many questions.

I can’t write because I wonder if she knows I would never have done that to her.

I can’t write because I’m so far off course I could pen a whole book and still be lost.

I can’t write because all I can think to say is “what am I doing here?”

I can’t write because I don’t know why he ever bothered.

I can’t write because neither staying nor going seems like the right answer.

I can’t write because the logic in my brain is at war with the heartache in my chest.

I can’t write because for me, writing has always been an act of faith and hope, and right now I don’t have either.

I can’t write because I know I’ll survive, but I’m tired of having to.

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