January 17, 2012
Cancel My Subscription, I’m Over Your Issues
So in the spirit of New Years, I, like everyone else, am still trying to pretend that this is the year that I will start making real changes. Like, becoming an adult and shit. I’m losing weight, I’m cleaning up, I’m paying bills, I’m getting a new job. All that shit. I’m gonna be f-ing responsible! No more wine for dinner for the kid! I fully expect it to go something like this, but I’m still going to try.
And in that, there are a few people I have to get rid of. Not specifically, per se, but sometimes I find myself being in the same half-circle with people I just. can’t. fuck. with.
Everybody has issues. Not necessarily serious ones, but issues nonetheless. Maybe you got teased in high school. Maybe your girlfriend dumped you out the blue – on your birthday. Maybe your mom prefers your sister to you. Maybe you were the fat kid in school. Ionknow. And I don’t really care. The point is, we have all stared into the face of an asshole, and that shit has left us scarred, or at least changed. That’s all good. And to some degree you probably over-corrected. Join the club. For my friends, I will always support them in facing/hiding from their fears. You wanna talk it out, cool. You want to work on your poker face, cool. You wanna change the subject, cool. I get it. But I just need one thing from you. I need you to know that you have issues. You don’t have to address them. You don’t have to admit to the world what they are. But all that “I’m perfect how I am so I will continue to be a slut/asshole/bitch…..” nah son. Not so much. So here are a few of the people that I will be emotionally dieting from in the 2012.
The Everyone Loves Me and Let Me Tell You Why Type. Good for you that you have a high self esteem. Good for you that you recognize that you are special. But must I hear about it all the time? Have you never had an interest or experience in your life that did not revolve around how fabulous you are, and how everyone either wants to be you, wants to be with you, or is jealous that they can’t? Newsflash: Not everyone loves Jesus. Not everyone loves Obama. Not everyone loves Mother Teresa. Are you any of those people? No? Well then not everyone loves you either. Not because they’re jealous or insecure, but just because they have other interests other than you – and you apparently do not.
The Rude [Girl][Boy]. This one tends to play out differently between men and women, but the point remains the same. Somewhere along the line they thought it was cute/hot/sexy to be mean to people. To wow people with their ability to crush feelings. And inevitably they attract a gaggle of wide-eyed morons who think insulting the waiter is hilarious, thus feeding the vicious cycle that you acting like an extra in Mean Girls is cool. If that ain’t some 7th grade behavior I don’t know what is. And I say this as a certified asshole. Children say whatever comes to mind in an effort to impress people. Adults know the difference between appropriate and inappropriate behavior. Me and childhood parted ways many moons ago. Holla at me when you do the same.
The Party Animal. “Yo, so what are we drinking tonight?” “Ummm, since it’s Tuesday – how about water?” Don’t get me wrong, far be it from me to deny someone a glass or three of wine after a particularly troublesome day. You leave work with a particularly fuck it attitude and want to go get margaritas, I’ll probably meet you there. But when you start acting like there’s nothing wrong with sitting in the house watching Friends reruns and playing brickbreaker on your phone for hours – me and you gotta part ways. AA is filled with people who haven’t figured out how to fill the hole in their souls with alcohol. What makes you think you’ll be the first? And what makes you think I’m lame for knowing better? You enjoy that DUI. I’m taking a nap.
The I’m Smarter Than You Type. (Also known as the I Already Know Everything Type) Here’s the main problem – no you’re not. You might be in my general range of intelligence level (although most people that act like this usually aren’t). You might be have tested better than me in Reading Comprehension on the SATs. You might be smarter than average. But you’re not patently smarter than me. Why? Statistics. I’m a smart mofo. Like on some 1% type shit. Don’t get me wrong – if me, Hillary Clinton and Tim Geithner are sitting at a table, I’m clear which one of us is going to be giving the blank stare and which of us will be engrossed in a conversation about the European debt crisis. But aside from that, chances are I can hold my own with you. Actually, I can probably hold yours too. And more importantly, I’m not impressed. I already know doctors and lawyers and investment bankers and PhDs. You’re not the first. You’re not even the first today. And even more than that, why are you trying to impress me by assuming that I can’t grasp the shit you’re talking about? Because now you think I’m stupid AND insecure? Have a seat.
Maybe I’m the problem that I can’t just suck my teeth and deal with these folk. But I can’t. Or, rather, I won’t. I could meditate and pray and soul search to figure out why. Or I can chuck deuces. So if you find yourself on this list, I guess you can cancel your subscription to my issues too.
December 31, 2011
The I Hate New Years Post
***** REVISED *****
In case you haven’t gathered from the title (in which case go directly to a GED class, do not pass go, do not collect $200), I hate New Years. Lord knows I’m introspective as all fuck, but there’s something about every media outlet and every conversation I have asking me to think about my life that is just. too. much.
That being said, since statistically I was going to reflect anyway, i share with you a few highlights and lowlights from 2011, and what we can expect from me in 2012.
- I saw Randy Moss play!!!!!! Those who know me personally know that there are few people that I love more than Randy Moss. In case you’re wondering why he hasn’t married his long time girlfriend, it’s because in his heart he knows we belong together. Most people laugh at this, because they don’t see the dream. He just needs a shave and a haircut, but them right there’s some good genes!!! And on January 2, 2011 I saw him suit up for the last time in a Tennessee Titans uniform to play the Indianapolis Colts (remember them?). I sat in Lucas Oil stadium in a sea of blue and white jerseys (in the season ticket holder section no less) and squealed with pure giddiness when I saw my long lean dream. And then. he caught. the ball. He caught a ball while he was falling and managed not only to hold on to it but to land with both feet in bounds. Suffice it to say I embarrassed the shit out of my girl when i practically had a crying fit having witnessed magic in action! :-) Like for real, seeing Randy Moss was some bucket-list type shit for me.
- My birthday fucking rocked! I have a holiday birthday – July 4th weekend to be exact. Which means every year everybody and they mama has a party, bbq or vacation to take, and may or may not remember that I was born. It sucks ass. But this year was awesome! I hung out, my friends actually came out to kick it with me. Not everybody, but enough. I really felt loved.
- I got my heartbroken. Twice. This year there were two men that broke my heart. I’m not one for being open. Ever. But I tried to grow. And to learn. I shared my feelings, I shared my fears – which ultimately came true in the end. I’m not going to lie – it was mad ugly. I
questionquestioned myself incessantly. I cried. I moped. I survived. - I left my job. Or my job left me. It’s hard to tell which came first. But it ended, and I loved it. Because I was free. A lot of times when people say that “God has taken you out of that situation” it’s usually a platitude because they don’t know what else to say when you’re crying on the bathroom floor (see #3). But this time, it was a blessing. It’s hard to explain to someone that’s never been there how truly miserable it is to be a corporate lawyer. At the risk of melodrama, it was sucking the life out of me. Truly. My life was becoming purposeless. I felt like nothing I would ever do would save me from the misery that I was experiencing. It was like I only existed to be a piece in someone else’s machine – and a malfunctioning piece at that. To spend 60 hours a week doing something you hate that you’re not even good at, there aren’t words to explain it. I don’t know what I’m going to do now. And Sallie Mae would like me to figure it out soon. And no, I haven’t figured out what my life means. But I know what it doesn’t.
- I. SAW. MARSHALL. MATHERS!!!!!!! Holy shit. I saw MF-ING Eminem. I never understood all them weak bitches on concert videos who be crying because they’re at a concert until in my 33rd year I stood in a crowd of thousands of people in a collective mass body heat of at least 102 degrees about 15 rows deep from Mr. Mathers. I’ve seen my favorite singer (Mary J. Blige) and rapper (Jay-Z) each 3 times. But there is something about Marshall. You can say what you want about whether he’d get the same respect if he weren’t white, if Dre hadn’t put him on, if whatever. But at the end of the day he faces his demons and shares his battles with the world. Meanwhile the rest of us are running from ours and pretending we don’t have any. And to watch that magic happen in person….To have him admit to all his fears and to open up in person, to be taken with him on his road hell and back, to see in person the hand that wrote The Way I Am and Stan and Love the Way You Lie, to come face to face with the only man in history who has ever even arguably out-rapped Jay Z – on his own shit! – yeah a bitch almost cried. I still giggle with joy just thinking about it!
- I learned what friendship means. Sometimes I think I’m regressing. I never failed at a job before, but here I am. And I’ve never had difficulty making or maintaining friendships, yet again, here I am. I don’t know if she betrayed me or not. But the situation just feels wrong. I really don’t believe in coincidences, and her being right in the middle when shit fell apart makes me feel a certain kind of way. On the flip side, I worry that another person might feel the same way about me. I know I didn’t do anything wrong in that case, but I could truly understand if she felt like I did. Navigating other people’s feelings/emotions is undoubtedly complicated, and I still have “fights” with my real friends. But with them, I never doubt for a second where I stand with them. There’s something to be said for that.
All in all, it’s been one. I could reflect on whether it’s been more good or bad, but in a lot of ways that’s irrelevant. It wasn’t easy, but I can truly say that I’ve grown as a person. Or, at least, reached the point where I’m finally emotionally able to grow. I don’t know what’s going to happen in 2012. But I know that I’ll be ready for it. And that’s enough.
December 27, 2011
The Writer’s Block Post
Today is a good day for blogging. It’s cold. There’s not much to do. And I have been through one of those things that no matter how much you talk about it you can’t seem to stop feeling about it. So I thought “when I get home, I’ll curl up with my laptop and get this all out.”
And yet, I’ve been sitting here, writing what amounts to melodramatic one-liners in bad poetry.
So I guess today’s post is about why I can’t write.
I can’t write because I feel exhausted. I’ve taken huge leaps of faith at every turn this year (See the forthcoming Why I Hate New Years post). And at every turn I’ve been blindsided, betrayed and/or extremely disappointed.
I can’t write because I’m fighting an uphill battle, but I’m a lover, not a fighter.
I can’t write because the sick feeling I have of being deceived overpowers my ability to try to ignore said feeling.
I can’t write because in spite of the facts, I still wish things could have been different between us. And because in spite of myself, I can’t stop wondering if I did something wrong.
I can’t write because the disappointment is one more tiny crack in my soul that I will have to mend with inadequate tools.
I can’t write because I don’t know which of us I’m more angry at for allowing this to happen.
I can’t write because I’ve said everything that I could say, and yet I still have so many questions.
I can’t write because I wonder if she knows I would never have done that to her.
I can’t write because I’m so far off course I could pen a whole book and still be lost.
I can’t write because all I can think to say is “what am I doing here?”
I can’t write because I don’t know why he ever bothered.
I can’t write because neither staying nor going seems like the right answer.
I can’t write because the logic in my brain is at war with the heartache in my chest.
I can’t write because for me, writing has always been an act of faith and hope, and right now I don’t have either.
I can’t write because I know I’ll survive, but I’m tired of having to.
November 11, 2011
One Eye Open
So I have this bad habit of giving people the benefit of the doubt. I don’t know where I picked up this filthy habit, but I can’t seem to shake it.
I’m generally not a schemer – with people. Sure I keep my true feelings hidden like the CIA keeps secrets, but I don’t intentionally mislead people. I may not show all of myself, but what I do show is genuine. And despite a lifetime of examples to the contrary, I can’t help but to assume the same in others.
Okay, let’s be specific. Not “others”. Men. If they’re trying to holler, I take it as just that – trying to holler. If a dude is looking for a piece, that’s usually evident by the first or second conversation. So if a guy comes at me like he’s trying to “date”, I guess that’s what he’s doing. Whether he’s looking for a girlfriend, whether he’s just bored, whether he’s trying not to be the only one of his friends who’s single, that all gets figured out along the way, but I do assume he’s trying to date.
I never think he’s “just seeing how far I’ll go” or playing some other mind game. I don’t have the interest in playing with other people’s emotions – my own emotions are more than enough to occupy me!
But this is why God gives us friends. Recently, there has been a guy. I told a close friend about my infatuation, so she dubbed him Mr. Wonderful (sarcastically of course). Mr. Wonderful isn’t new, he’s come and gone a few times before. Like literally – appeared in my life, then after a few weeks/months disappeared. So he’s back. This time seems a little different. Little things, but things I’ve noticed. He’s more forthcoming. We talk more often, we go out more often., he’s more open about what’s going on. Things like that.
But still, I wonder if I’m being a dumbass. I mean, he’s not new – am I setting myself up for failure? Again? Does take it slow mean just that it, or is it some guy code that I don’t know how to translate? I wonder about these things. No, I don’t wonder, I worry. Because I’m not real interested in playing the fool. Not even for Mr. Wonderful.
I ran my concerns by a good friend, and her suspicions were raised. She saw danger at every turn, and at the end concluded with “trust your intuition” (more on that later, but suffice it to say even when I think I know what my intuition is saying, it’s often wrong, so this was completely unhelpful advice). When I hung up, I felt exhausted. She did nothing more than mirror my own concerns back to me, but negated the “positives” I noted, so her point of view was essentially: Beware of Dog; Enter At Your Own Risk.
She’s probably right. I should probably cut and run. But it’s just so tiring to live that way.
October 22, 2011
Dear St. Augustine
I am on the verge of being a better person. I can feel it. Tomorrow will be the start of a new chapter in my life.
Tomorrow I am going to start exercising. I am going to commit to my yoga practice. Slowly but surely I’m going to get in better shape!
Tomorrow I’m going to start keeping a cleaner house. I’m going to scrub this house from top to bottom, and rediscover the long lost art of putting my toys away when I’m done playing with them.
Tomorrow I’m going to become a positive person. I’m always going to see the best in every situation. I’m going to write in my gratitude journal every day. I’m not going to dwell on the bad things that happen, and I’m damn sure not going to dwell on the past. Nothing but smiles and hugs from me from now on. Hell, I might even start meditating.
Tomorrow I’m going to start eating better. I’m going to cook for myself more often and not always eat take out. I’m going to eat more fish and vegetables.
Tomorrow I’m going to start making the most of every day. I’m going to do things I’ve “always wanted to do” – start going to museums and plays more often. I live in one of the most beautiful cities in the world, and I’m going to discover all the art and culture that we have to offer. No longer will I spend hours playing some stupid game on the computer or watching a marathon of a tv show I’ve already seen and/or own the dvd to.
Tomorrow I’m going to develop my career plan. I’m going to start researching, soul-searching and networking to figure out what I really want to do with my life. I’m finally going to get a plan. And pursue it.
Tomorrow I will do all these things and more. I am finally going to become the person I have always wanted to be.
But today, I’m going to lay on the couch eating ice cream for dinner. After I take my nap.
October 11, 2011
An Exercise in Futility Is Still a Workout
I have a confession. I don’t miss him.
Without getting into all the gory details – he was foul. And me in typical fashion was equal parts mad and heartbroken. Or so I thought. When I allowed myself to be honest, I was more salty than heartbroken. And not in equal measure – more like 80% mad and 20% salty.
I thought because I waited to hear from him that I missed him. I thought because I daydreamed about his apology that I wanted him back. But I realized all that thinking about him that I do isn’t about him, because really I don’t think about him, I think about whether he thinks about me.
If I was heartbroken, if I missed him, if I wanted him back then at the very least I was getting close to finding someone for me, something real. And however tragically it might have ended, IT was something.
But instead, IT was just a sometimes delightful but usually stressful waste of my time. He didn’t change my life, he just made me wish more strongly for someone that will.
September 21, 2011
A Song for Troy
Tomorrow my brother will die. Not my mother’s son, but my brother nonetheless.
Troy Davis was convicted for the 1989 murder of an off-duty police officer working as a security guard at a local fast food restaurant in Savannah, Georgia. Allegedly, Davis was involved in a fight at the restaurant. As the security guard, Mark McPhail, tried to break it up, Davis is accused of having turned and shot McPhail twice, killing him.
For this murder, Troy Davis received the death penalty. After exhausting the last of his appeals and other options, Davis will die on Wednesday, September 21, a couple of weeks before his 43rd birthday.
I’m not going to get into the legalese of the issues. I haven’t studied the case beyond reading news reports. What is important is this. One, whoever the assailant was, this was not what most of us would think of as “premeditated” murder. Shots were fired during the midst of a fight. Two, in the 21 years since, Davis has maintained that he did not shoot McPhail. Three, no weapon was ever found. Four, several witnesses that accused Davis in his initial trial have recanted their story, citing police coercion.
Who knows what happened that night? Who knows what other facts and evidence were brought to trial? Maybe he did it. Maybe the jury felt he “probably” did it. But the leap from probably to death is one I cannot stomach.
I don’t know Troy. Wikipedia doesn’t exactly paint a picture of a Fulbright scholar on his way to finding a cure for cancer. Chances are he is an ordinary man who would have led an ordinary life. But can we say with a clear conscience that he doesn’t deserve that life because of what most likely happened? I can’t.
September 16, 2011
Confessions of a Trophy Wife
Well, I should say Trophy-Wife-in-Training as I am very unmarried to the middle-class (at best) men that I meet, but you get the idea.
I hated my job. Hated. Not just disliked. Pure hate. When you do this: http://occonfessions.wordpress.com/2011/06/20/moment-of-clarity/ at midnight, you hate your job.
I went to work desperate to get home again without crying. I spent six figures on an education to get a job that made me feel like I was the stupidest person ever. I’ve never been in a situation where so many people made such passive aggressive remarks intended to eat away at your self esteem. Here are a few gems:
- New partner says dismissively, “[sigh], you’re still not getting it.” In response to me asking a question…
- Coworker, “Wow? you’re not that busy? I’m swamped, everybody keeps giving me work.”
- Partner, “I don’t think you are doing what it takes to make partner”. At this point partnership was 7 years away…
It was to say the least, toxic. I had panic attacks, migraines, depression, anxiety, fatigue, loss of appetite and insomnia – basically I was a walking Prozac ad – all over what? A MFing job?????
Thankfully, I no longer work there. The stress would have killed me, or I would have killed one of them, but killing was going to take place. And I’ve spent this time trying to figure out what my passion is.
My passion is my life. Sleeping in, hanging out with my friends, painting my nails, reading, blogging at midnight, baking pies, writing stories, fantasy football. Those are my passions. I just want to be.
And that’s okay with me. I don’t want to pay my dues because I don’t want membership. I want to do good work for people that don’t think I’m a moron. That’s it. It’s really that simple.
So maybe I don’t have a calling. Maybe I’ll never become department head at a major law firm or pave the way for criminal justice reform. My name might not ever be in the headlines. But if a mediocre job means I get to do what I really love doing, that’s fine by me.
July 20, 2011
The Road Not Taken
I always wonder. What would my life have been like? Would I be happy?
When I’m really honest with myself, I doubt it. I would have longed for a more “important” career. If we were still married – which the perspective of time has made me see is doubtful at best – I would have felt suffocated. I never really expected bliss, but I can now see that I would have been fraught with inner turmoil had things “worked out” with us.
But is THIS road any better? I’m still having career issues. I’m still having (non) relationship issues. I’m still having cash flow issues. Everything on this path is different, but somehow it’s all the same.
What do you do when the grass isn’t green anywhere?
June 20, 2011
Moment of Clarity
Do you need a new job/ new career? Take this quiz and find out!
Answer yes if any of the following have happened to you in the past month. Points are tallied for each “yes” answer.
- Have you had a meeting with your HR department? (8 points)
- Has any supervisor suggested an “attitude adjustment” or a “work ethic adjustment”? (9 points)
- Do you find yourself praying and/or crying before you go to work? (5 points)
- Do you find yourself praying and/or crying while at work? (5 points)
- Have you called a relative/good friend to give you a pep talk before going to work? (4 points)
- If you are under the age of 55, have you called your financial planner to inquire about withdrawing money from your 401K? (4 points)
- When your trusted relative/good friends reminds you it isn’t wise to leave a job without savings or a Plan B, do you consider quitting anyway since you could not possibly be more miserable? (6 points)
- Have you suffered any physical symptoms (weight gain/loss, insomnia, etc.) as a direct result of worrying about your current employment? (10 points)
- Do you find yourself venting about work incidents as they occur? (2 points)
- Do you find yourself putting less effort into your appearance than you would to go any other place (including running errands)? (4 points)
- Have you planned your legal defense in the event you are involved in a physical altercation at work? (10 points)
- Do loved ones forward you job postings without knowing if you’re actively seeking a new job? (5 points)
- Do you think you’d be as miserable doing your exact job for another company? (10 points)
- Do you use social media to vent about your job? (5 points)
- Do you take “mental health days” solely because you cannot handle the stress of work? (8 points)
- If your boss had to fire one person, would it be you? (9 points for yes, 5 points for “I’m in the top 3″)
- Do you feel you have to keep a record of some sort of in case disagreements with a superior come to a head? (7 points)
If you have scored more than 60 points, RUN, don’t walk, to the nearest exit. At this point, the situation is hopeless. There are only three possible outcomes: you will quit, security and/or the police will be called, you will be fired. You might as well get out now.
This quiz has been brought to you by People Who Hate Their Job So Much They Blog About It At Midnight.
